“The most important thing for you to know is this: There is nothing that has ever happened to you that damages, weakens, or stains the essence of who you are. No negative experience great or small can harm your true nature. To rest into the truth of that offers both safety and possibilities.”

When we are aware of our body sensation, we know when we feel safe, we know when we don’t, and we know when we override our need for safety. There’s the kind of physical safety that comes from an obvious act like locking a door and there’s the kind of subtle safety that is about felt sense.

What do we become aware of when we turn toward that felt sense? How do we meet those sensations?

It’s complex this need for safety but the bottom line is there’s no real inner or outer changes without safety. Noticing this tells us much about ourselves and our relationship to safety.

There’s no “life hack” that substitutes for a well developed sense of safety.

We are complex beings. There’s no one solution for the challenges we face in life. If we buy into the idea that there is one theory or method that is going to solve all our troubles then we shift from wholism to reductionism.

True safety provides the trust our nervous systems require to open to the nourishment offered. The non verbal connection that flows back and forth between people is called “limbic resonance”. (I do not believe that this kind of resonance is limited to humans but for the sake of brevity, I’ll let it be.)

“If someone’s relationships today bear a troubled imprint, they do so because an influential relationship left its mark…when a limbic relationship has left its mark, it takes a limbic connection to revise it.”
(“A General Theory of Love”, Lewis, Amini, & Lannon)

I think of it as two nervous systems dancing with one another and it is a practice. It requires time and awareness for these revisions in our nervous systems to take hold and reveal new options, to reveal what’s possible.

“It is possible to learn to nurture what keeps us within the gravitational pull of our own “enoughness”. It’s not a matter of adding anything to who we are but rather uncovering the goodness within.” ~Meg Rinaldi

There are those in this world who do not have the basics. The uneven distribution of resources is an ongoing challenge. If we have the means we should address these inequities with generosity whenever we are able. As a Buddhist meal chant says: “Generosity is the virtue that produces peace”.

And there are those among us who have plenty and still feel inadequate. Too often we allow opinions of others determine our value. Some of those “others” include, parents, peers, teachers, partners, just to name a few.

It makes no difference whether someone intended to demean us (and there are those people) rather it’s the meaning we make of the experience that lays down the tracks of memory in our body and mind. It’s the chronic replay that keeps us caught in pain and it is when we attend to the meaning we make, that healing, insight, and renewal flowers.

Then there’s comparison.

Someone, somewhere out there is having the perfect life and if we only had what they have (house, job, partner, car, “spiritual achievements”, credentials, body, etc.) then we will be happy.

Decades ago when I worked as a medical massage therapist, the bodywork table was a great leveler: everyone looked the same and shared the same basic concerns when they laid down on the table.

No one lives a “perfect life” no matter what their social media feed says, so comparing ourselves to something that doesn’t exist is a supreme waste of our precious time and life force!

If we are to become emotionally intelligent adults who wish to be present to life, which is the point of inner work, then we have to let go of our fantasies about a so called “perfect” world.

That process involves acquiring the skills to meet our humanity. Those skills are what help us determine what is “enough” for us. Imagine a world where people were in touch with what is “enough”?

It is possible to learn to nurture what keeps us within the gravitational pull of our own “enoughness”. It’s not a matter of adding anything to who we are but rather uncovering the goodness within.

Four years ago a client and later dear friend of many years was dying. I made house calls for her near the end of her life. Our time was spent sitting on her bed, surrounded by her beloved animal friends.

(It was October and I can still see the delicate leaves of the Japanese Maple on her balcony aflame with the colors of autumn. My mother loved those trees and its presence evoked her death 14 years earlier.)

My friend spoke through her broken heart about her children, her animals, her partner. While she spoke about her loves she was making herself wrong about being “attached” to this life because she believed being “attached” was unspiritual. She was someone who had suffered significant traumas so a wish to transcend pain through spirituality was a go-to for her.

As I said, there’s confusion about “attachment”. We like to say how “unattached” we are as if it’s some kind of spiritual achievement. Being attached to wishing to appear “spiritual” is a trap in and of itself. When we push away any aspect of ourself we invite confusion.

Rejection of reality is where the most suffering and confusion happens.

We are wounded in our closest relationships. Healthy attachment is a biological necessity and we are all hungry for connection.

In believing we are “unattached” we are protecting ourselves from the pain of loss, disappointment, etc. If we could just spiritually transcend our human need for connection, we’d be free of attachments: or so we think.

Our path to greater awareness and healthy connection is the one right under our feet, right here, right now. All elements necessary for our waking up are right here in the divorce, the diagnosis, the family dynamics, the pregnancy, the marriage, the job loss.

And that’s the same for our collective troubles: in the social injustices, the inequities, the racism, the homophobia, the sexism.

Our necessary social healing will arise from the turbulence of the upheaval and those in the collective healed enough to turn toward it.

Giving ourselves space to respect our attachments and acknowledge the sacredness of the ordinary is to meet ourselves kindly. To look upon our humanity with mercy rather than imagined perfection, is the way home to our hearts which is what we want and what this world needs.

Our “yes or no” lives as body sensation as does much of our wisdom. We all can agonize over trying to make certain decisions at times but in the end “The Body Keeps the Score”, as Bessel van der Kolk’s book suggests.

I know for myself when body sensation gives me the answer, I’d best be listening in and act accordingly.

Too often we have abdicated our wisdom to people, places, things outside of ourself. Those ideas knit themselves into our fabric but they are not us.

When we begin or rediscover how to listen deeply to ourselves, we sort out what is the “not ours” from the “ours”. “Shoulds” often populate our inner landscape too, as can the quandary of “don’t know”, which is still not a “yes”. “Don’t know” may indicate a need for more time or it may be an indicator of something else. In any case, it’s ok not to know. Really.

Most of life is not an emergency and sorting out what is an emergency from giving space to what wants to emerge can help quiet, inform, and offer direction. Take the time you need. Our world needs more thoughtful people.

You can listen to an audio version of this blog post here.

“Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silver stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course, it will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves and cracks, the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight, it will take you.” ~Sheng-Yun

Lately, I’ve been contemplating the value of heroics.

I am thinking particularly of the heroics that get mixed up with the cliche’ of “making a difference”.

Many of us long to make a difference. The sad part about it is, how little credit we give ourselves for the difference we already make. Yes, we are meaning making creatures who want to know we are contributing, this is part of what it is to be human. What is also human is to allow comparison to enter into our mind that undermines our contributions.

I hear this often with clients: a doubt that undermines a trust in the mundane. These days we think we have to jump higher, shout louder, run faster in order to be effective. And yet we also know, it’s the tortoise that wins the race.

Yes, I am saying all this against a back drop of many challenges on the planet right now!

There is a part of us that hungers to trust the deeper processes of life; a part of us that knows to cover more ground we have to move slowly. I’d suggest that we re-enchant the mundane. It is after all the little moments that make up a day and all those days we live that make up a life. It’s also the little actions that make up our response on both a personal and collective level.

Heroics are sometimes necessary. Yet, something niggles at me when I hear people suffer over their beliefs that they don’t feel they are making a difference. That’s a tender place and often it’s from people who ascribe to a view of interconnectedness with all life. How can we on the one hand believe we are interconnected and at the same time think that our smallest efforts or our quiet presence cannot make a difference?

Perhaps the heroic view of what making a difference means gets in our way of the satisfaction of doing what is within our means to do. We all have limits: on our time, our attention, our financial means, etc. Yet, I know it is possible to respect those limits and allow them to illuminate the generosity intended in the gestures of how we make a difference.

We can follow the stream and have faith in its course. No heroics needed.