Where are you on the journey?

Beginnings imply endings, whether we are conscious of it or not. What’s challenging for most of us are endings and part of that difficulty arises because we aren’t aware that the ending process has phases. When we are disconnected from the natural unfolding of an ending, we are caught in linear thinking: “This will never end!”, “I will never have another relationship, job, or good health again!” “It will always be like this!” When we find ourselves using words like “never” and “always” it’s good to recall that impermanence applies to everything. Nothing is forever but the experience we have of a situation can feel that way!

Here’s why I take the time to write about this at all: an ending process has stages and being able to locate ourselves in those stages will reduce the suffering in our everyday life. We might be able to begin to appreciate the universality of our experience, which is not meant to diminish our experience but to allow us to recognize our shared humanity.

Stages of Endings

Drawing upon the writings of William Bridges, PhD, whom I’ve quoted before from his book “Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes”/(Hachette Book Group) I offer you here a brief overview of the transition process of endings. This book is one of the most useful ones on my bookshelf and I recommend it to people with whom I work, often.

Disengagement–A phase where we are dislodged from what we’ve known, what is familiar: that could be our health, our partner, our home, our partner’s health, our work: this phase involves a loss, something we’ve chosen or something that is beyond our control.
Dismantling–This is a phase usually after disengagement where our identity that was built around the previous structures of home, health, job, etc. unravels piece by piece. Here the things, people, and/or social circles that defined us and defined our responses to the world, are shifting.
Disidentification–Here in this phase we experience a further deconstructing of what we knew as our “previous life”.
Disenchantment–As Dr. B names it, it’s a kind of floating between the worlds and life has a surreal quality. Here this phase our assumptions about reality are challenged.
Disorientation–Here in this phase, what’s gone is gone, we can’t go back to what we knew and we don’t yet have the energy to imagine a new future for ourselves.

It’s important to note that Dr. Bridges makes a distinction between making “changes” which are about reaching a goal, and “transitions” which are about letting go of worn-out ways of being that no longer serve.

Endings include the need to let go. The simple fact is if we don’t come to the place where we can let go, we are not receptive to whatever it is life asks of us next.

Each of us unfolds in our own way. There is however a pattern to transition processes and that pattern is imprinted within the human psyche. We are each part of the natural world and as such we are subject to the same rules of transition as everything else in the universe.

And after the letting go…

comes the “Neutral Zone”. The neutral zone can be (believe it or not!) the most challenging for we humans. Life as we knew it has ended, we’ve consciously let go as best we can and then….what? The ability to stay present and true to ourselves in this place of uncertainty is challenging but necessary. In the neutral zone we must learn to live close to ourselves and listen deeply for proper timing: to move too quickly can ironically slow down the experience of renewal we long for.

The larger cycles of pandemics, political, economic, and social upheaval that are impacting us now, are deconstructing systems and institutions that prevent us from becoming who we need to be. It’s important to name where we are, to seek the support we need, and to trust in the deeper workings of life. This is where our inner work intersects with becoming the change we wish to see in the world.