Three Key Qualities
Compassion and empathy: there’s confusion about these two qualities and with good reason, they are often used interchangeably. Given the amount of challenges and fatigue we face in our world today, it’s helpful to make distinctions between them. The third quality I’ll speak to here is self compassion.
Empathy
Empathy is a state of being where we feel what another feels either physically or emotionally. There’s been much written about the necessity and value of empathy recently. It’s a wonderful thing, until it isn’t. There are excellent resources for being more healthfully empathetic including Dr. Judith Orloff’s work (https://drjudithorloff.com) and Dr. Laura Graye’s article “How Your Empathetic Body is Betraying You” (https://medium.com/mediagraytion/how-your-empathetic-body-is-betraying-you-416c73c65426).
In neuroscience studies (https://www.matthieuricard.org/en/blog/posts/empathy-and-the-cultivation-of-compassion) it has been shown that relying on the elemental emotional skills of empathy alone to be helpful to others leads to despair. It’s good to feel what other beings feel. However, empathy by itself doesn’t help us out of the emotional weeds of blending too closely with other beings.
Compassion
Compassion is a more complex state than empathy. Compassion says: “I see your pain and there are actions I am able to take to support you.” Those actions may include holding someone’s hand, making a cuppa tea, bringing meals, checking in on a regular basis or helping a person gather resources they need. There is the care we feel for other beings along with our wish and ability to act, which makes it different than empathy.
There is no end to compassion. Compassion never tires. We can wish for the well being of any being any time without losing ourselves in the process. There is such a thing as “empathetic distress” when we become so burdened by the pain around us that we are exhausted: that exhaustion is a signal that we need to cultivate self compassion.
Self Compassion
Self compassion is a necessity for our well being. Our compassion toward others is as good as our self compassion.
Self compassion offers sanctuary for all that is beautiful and exiled in our lives. Are there parts of myself I deem unworthy of self compassion? If so, how do I meet those barriers? This is tender, intimate work that invites honesty. Real change can only happen when we become intimate with ourselves and our world.
