Avoidance is Not Peace

I grew up in a household with plenty of conflict, most of which was never worked through. Each of us was wounded and exiled in our own way.

Some people are “conflict averse” and with good reason: people get hurt. What I’ve discovered is what can cause more harm is to avoid conflict. If the **only thing** I know how to do is avoid conflict, I am not creating peace I am perpetuating disconnection from my own vitality and from others.

Workability and Repair

“Workable” means that it’s not necessarily easy but there’s a willingness to stay with the process of repair. “Repair” invites us into the territory of forgiveness. I’m not convinced anymore that forgiveness is possible in every situation; ultimately yes but in the day to day, I am not so sure. Recognizing our limitations is an act of self respect and healing in itself. To remain open to the possibility of repair while not forcing it, can be enough.

I’d read a story of a holocaust survivor who admitted that she could never forgive her perpetrators but she knew she could teach her children and grandchildren about kindness. She knew her limits but those limitations did not prevent her from doing the good she could do.

The repair process can take moments, decades or even beyond this life. We have the choice of tilling the hard and soft places within our own hearts long after those who have harmed us or whom we have harmed, are no longer here. Our inner work never ends. That idea can be daunting if we believe that inner work is only important in a crisis. Consistent emotional hygiene is required to discover the courage needed for real peace: in ourselves and in our communities.

Inner work and outer work are inseparable. “Workability” and “Repair” offer alternatives to the ambivalence most of us carry about conflict.

We stay safe

Repair, workability and forgiveness are not code for putting ourselves in harm’s way based on fantasies of heroics. We must have the humility to tell ourselves and others the truth about our limits.

Self knowledge and self awareness are key to working with the truth of conflict. A safe holding space for the hard conversations is essential. Our safety is non negotiable. Our vitality ought not be negotiable either and it’s deadening when we allow our life force to be siphoned off by living a life of avoidance that we mistake for “peace”.