“When we know what changes our own hearts, we have a clue about the world we’d like to inhabit and how each of us can contribute to that vision.”

Getting right to the heart of it here, this month I offer reflections about “dismissive positivity”. Some of you may know what it is and know how it feels in your body when you express or receive it. It’s important to name it. An example? I reached out to my sister recently and began to express my frustration about our living situation here in Santa Fe. We are still in transitional housing, living with my daughter and grandchildren. The Santa Fe real estate market is challenging, workable, but challenging. That may sound like a lovely family scene in her fantasy life, especially since she lives far away from her grandchildren. This living situation has been quite the learning curve for me.

Dismissive positivity implies that someone is living the ideal life and if they have troubles there’s something wrong: they haven’t meditated enough, they haven’t prayed enough, they haven’t got their diet just so, they don’t have the right guru! Maybe the feng shui in their house is off? Maybe they just don’t appreciate their lives enough? We can’t cut them much slack because we often don’t cut ourselves much. We are all in pursuit of some ideal that doesn’t exist.

My sister then texted me platitudes about “how everything happens for a reason and we will find the perfect house and she looks forward to visiting soon!” I felt the old familiar (familial) frustration of not being received. It rose up like a rush from hot chili peppers and simultaneously, I could appreciate her limits. I don’t have to be defined by her limitations. What I experience isn’t diminished by her inability to receive me in that moment. Ah! I remember now! Noted!

Empathy is not dismissive positivity.

When I sugar coat someone’s experience with a cheery comeback they are invisible to me. Check it out the next time you catch yourself doing it and notice your body sensation. And notice what it is to be on the receiving end of it too. Do I have the expectation that everyone I meet will respond with empathy? Not hardly. It does mean I can own my experience and “self regulate” and be discerning about what my expectations are of others. It can be quite simple. We don’t have to feel overwhelmed by connection or take on the suffering of the entire world. We can—just connect. When someone is struggling we don’t have to know the backstory, we could still respond with comments like “I see that you walk with some big challenges.” Or “That must be difficult, I wish you well.” Sometimes a comforting silence is enough. It’s a practice, an art, and we will get it right sometimes and be way off other times. The practice of empathy provides us with healthy boundaries and the chance to acknowledge our shared humanity.

We are pack animals, social creatures who thrive on connection. The neuroscience is right there to back that up: when we are met with empathy, when we are seen, heard, valued, there’s a shift in the nervous system. Even for just a moment. Most of us don’t want platitudes. It’s like living on a diet of empty calories. A little boost of empathy can be a feast for anyone!

When we know what changes our own hearts, we have a clue about the world we’d like to inhabit and how each of us can contribute to that vision.

I’ll get right to it…

We must all take good care of ourselves. It’s quite simple. Those of us with the good fortune to tend our inner lives, nourish our hearts, and give back to others, must.

Here are a few suggestions:

First, limit media exposure. Regardless of whether news is from the left or right on the political spectrum, all media outlets traffic in soundbites and less than factual statements. The complexities of our world cannot be conveyed in soundbites. Like junk food, this might fill a hole but let’s not confuse it with facts. Stay informed and dig deeper if you want nuance. And avoid the media “spin cycle”: that’s when regurgitation of a story happens over a series of days but no new information is offered.

Second, maintain or begin contemplative practices, whatever they may be: walking, listening to beautiful music, reading or writing, tai chi, yoga, painting. Find inspiring podcasts! These practices feed us and none of us can be of assistance without first feeding ourselves.

Third if there’s a cause dear to your heart and you have the ability to act, then act. None of us alone are capable of saving the whole blessed world. If you are overwhelmed take time away from the 24/7 blast of information. Really, you’ll feel much better.

Fourth, chop wood & carry water. If you ascribe to the view of interconnectedness, the quality of our attention to the details of our lives, matters. It’s in the steadiness of repetition that patience is born. Yes, we need patience. That’s a call to skillfulness, not passivity. How we do, what we do, matters.

Fifth, weed out your email box. Histrionics are not welcome in my email box. Yes, I am aware of the issues we face. I’m aware that I am not motivated by stories that tell me the sky is falling. It saps my energy and focus.

A quote from a Tibetan teacher comes to mind here: “If you can do something about a situation, why worry about it? If you can’t do something about a situation, why worry about it?”

We need to embody courage now; there’s no time for worry. Our simplest gestures matter. What you do, matters. These times reveal that each of us makes a difference and if we are fortunate, we have free will in how we direct our energies. The insight that each of us makes a difference arises naturally from our inner work. The fruit of that labor is a way we love the world.

I grew up with a strong “holding space”: I was held by the land upon which I grew, the air, birds, river, trees, thunderstorms, and winter snows. I couldn’t imagine a world where people didn’t experience this kind of “holding space”, where people couldn’t smell rain before it fell or hear the nuanced birdsong of morning, mid day, and evening.

A western psychological view of a “holding space” was developed by Donald Winnecott—a pediatrician & psychoanalyst expresses the idea that our first and necessary holding space was “mother”. That could be our actual mother or mother figure but that without that “holding space” of the original care giver, we’d not survive.

Most of Western psychology tells us we are stuck with our basic story of these original relationships and how we internalize this primal holding space. And that if our early attachment was poor, we were stuck with this imprint forever, that it cannot be changed or influenced.

Eastern philosophies tell us the mind, body, and experience are fluid. Cutting edge discoveries about neuroplasticity, and our capacity to reshape and reframe our experience arises from eastern and western mystical teachings. It’s a place where science, spirituality and the unity of mind & body meet. Our neurobiology can be affected and shaped by appropriate present day “holding spaces”; we can learn to hold space for ourselves and learn to recognize and trust all that holds us each day of our lives.

What is the value of a holding space or knowing how to hold space for another?

For me that answer comes from Rabbi Lawrence Kushner: A holding space reveals “the gnawing suspicion that the apparent discord, brokenness, contradictions, and discontinuities that assault us every day, might conceal a hidden unity.”

Where do you find a holding space? How do you hold space? What holds you? You may be surprised as you consider these questions.