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Self Awareness or Self Improvement?

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As some of you know, I made time for a 3 week retreat last month: a much needed protected solitude. I’ve discovered that times of deep quiet are essential hygiene for me.

Throughout the retreat this quote from Rumi played through me: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find the barriers that you have built against it and embrace them.”

To become aware of what gets in the way of experiencing our good hearts is a different approach to life than pushing away what’s unpleasant. Pushing away what’s unpleasant about ourselves is much of what’s at the heart of “self improvement”. If we can come up for air from our ever demanding self improvement projects we can stop chasing some ideal that doesn’t exist.

To find those barriers that you have built against love—and embrace them–that IS the practice of self awareness and self compassion. I believe that’s what most of us want when we grab at the “self improvement” model. To learn to kindly meet the limitations we’ve built against accepting ourselves would reveal that we are love itself always seeking us–what’s to improve?

Respect & Gentleness

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This year has brought us to our knees

Whether that movement to our knees be in prayer or protest, defiance or despair, gratitude or grief, that gesture is alive. We see vividly how our body, this “chalice of the heart”, expresses without words.

Body awareness is an essential part of our instinctual wisdom.

Respect grief

This past year has left behind a large swath of grief for so many: both personal and collective grief. We’ve had bright moments too and we’ve been forced to slow down and attend to the small miracles of daily life.

A Practice

From the late West African teacher Sobonfu Somé I learned to create a grief shrine or altar. The logic behind this practice is twofold: one part is to bring our innermost emotions into physical form. These powerful emotions are running in the background anyway, so why not respectfully bring them into the foreground, where we can see them? The second intention is to help us not become bitter.

Ideally, this altar is created outside but if you have to do it inside your home, do not place it in your bedroom. The grief altar can be made of found objects, or stones, twigs, or personal objects that have meaning to you.

You are creating a holding space for your grief, sadness, overwhelm. It has the effect of holding “with you”: a place where you can lay down your burdens in a physical way.

You can visit it daily or whenever you feel the need. I go to my altar everyday right now. I pick up a rock, ask it to hold grief or confusion and gently add it to the stones already there. I can see the altar out my window which helps me stay connected to this practice of emotional hygiene.

Here’s an Audio

From the archives here’s an audio called “Tending Our Grief” that can be supportive to you (Length: 17 min 26 sec).

Remember, this is about slowly finding your way home to your own good heart. We will come through these difficult days, this I know. I hold faith, hope, and courage with you even if you are not feeling it. I will hold it for you until you find it within yourself again.

Skill Beneath The Heartache

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“Heartbreak is a gateway to compassionate action. Such action arises when we trust our body sensations and the emotions they reveal. We can act with integrity and we do not have to second guess ourselves. It is key to know how to transform our confusion into wise action: our world depends upon it.”

Our 16 year old grandson lived with us recently. It lasted a week before he “borrowed” our car (he’s an underage driver, not allowed to drive without an adult or at night) and picked up a forbidden lover. They had their Romeo & Juliet moment in our guest bedroom and then he drove her home where they were greeted by her father in the driveway. And yes all this while a pandemic tears across the globe!

My partner & I were awakened a few hours later by ringing cell phones, outraged mothers & fathers, threats of restraining orders, etc. It was all quite dramatic. Point being? He broke my heart. After extracting all the details from him, it was determined he’d go live with his father in another state. It was the breaking point after lies, deceptions, and disappearances both on our watch and his mother’s.

I didn’t recognize what I felt as “heartache” at first. I felt sluggish and disoriented. When I gave keen attention to those sensations, a clarifying anger showed itself, just beneath the heartache.

I fired off an email to say he was not welcome to return to our home until amends were made to all involved, including us. This was not new behavior for him but if he assumed this grandmother who adores him was not going to wield her sword, he was wrong.

There’s nothing compassionate about enabling someone’s bad behavior. Turning toward that heart sinking feeling released vitality, allowed me to set healthy boundaries, and let go of outcomes. He has all the time he needs to come to his senses: my heart and mind are open, my home is not.

Heartbreak is a gateway to compassionate action. Such action arises when we trust our body sensations and the emotions they reveal. We can act with integrity and we do not have to second guess ourselves. It is key to know how to transform our confusion into wise action: our world depends upon it.

Falling Toward Home

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This month I share with you a piece that has inspired me by writer Eric Alan. The need for renewal is present and like this author, I continue to find solace in nature. I hope you too have beautiful places to renew yourself whether that be a city party, waterfalls, or wide open meadows.

“In times as tumultuous as these, it’s easy to feel like water over rocks: tumbling, crashing, cascading without control onto whatever hard landing waits below. Most people I know have had moments of that feeling, this year. Perspective is elusive. Plans are always made with a caveat; an overriding “if” that reflects uncertainty about what even the next hours will bring.

That’s a hard way to live, even if it’s a clarification of life’s constant uncertainty, rather than a fundamental shift. Uncertainty’s sharp edge can cut us inside, after awhile. Restoration of perspective then becomes more important than any practical task on our “to do” lists.

When uncertainty opens a wound in me, I head east to the waterfalls that grace our mountains…

Beside me, so are you, and you and you and you: all of us tumbling, falling, merging, jostling against each other as gravity makes its incessant demands. No droplet, no human, can see where our fall will lead us. It’s easy to fear the rocks, the uncertainty…

The spirit sea will cradle us and allow us rest, in time. There is no uncertainty about that. Every life stream’s course always reaches its destination, however tumultuous its path along the way.

The waterfalls sing to me of this, every time I need their reminder. Far away downstream, the ocean sings of this too. Water sings the ageless song of how all of us are always falling towards home.”

Simplify

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When are we satisfied? How do we know? How do we gently yet clearly winnow our lives down to what is essential? Not only what is essential in a material way but also, how do we traverse our difficult relationships with greater simplicity?

We humans are the only animals that can override our body signals & sensibilities. We are easily seduced when discerning what is enough because we often confuse a “want” for a “need”. Couple that with missed experiences of being heard, seen, supported, etc and it becomes even more complicated.

“Hungry ghost” is an image used in Buddhist psychology to represent our habits of devouring without ever being satisfied: the image is that of beings with tiny pins for mouths and huge bellies. It’s constant craving, but at some point we don’t even know for what. We lose track of ourselves.

Our world can no longer sustain hungry ghosts

When we turn within, we find clues that lead to greater self compassion toward our endless hungers.

What are the body sensations that inform our intention to act and how do we know when they have resulted in satisfaction? How do we recognize the signs of being sated, content, nourished?

“When we give a subtle and careful attention to our bodies, we are able to stay in touch with the experience of our deeper selves.” ~Sensei Peter Levitt

That contact with our deeper selves allows us, with time, to discern between “want” and “need”. Often what we want from others or the world around us, is something we do not know how to offer or receive from ourselves. ~MR

What Color Is Your Heart?

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If I invite a person of color to bring their gentle listening hand to my white person heart, what would they hear, sense, or discover?

If I as a white person, am invited to bring a gentle, listening hand to the heart of a person of color, what will I hear, sense, discover, about them? What’s available in this wordless, kind touch?

Try this in your imagination. Just start there.

Listen within for when to lean into this experiment and when to draw back. This is the art of building emotional resilience. We listen within ourselves paying attention to body sensation: it will tell us the truth of our experience in any given moment. It’s not a special gift of the chosen few. That deep river of listening is always there, awaiting our return, available to anyone.

This experiment arose quietly for me. I grappled with what to say in this blog post: what can I say that hasn’t been said about racism, classism and the need to reclaim a part of our collective soul? Maybe I don’t need to say anything at all. Maybe all I need to do is listen, listen with my full bodied humanity.

What might the next phases of our collective work be like if they are shaped by the memories of a heart met by an open listening hand?

Gifts of Uncertainty – Part 3

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This series ends but uncertainty continues! So here we are, many of us in some form of limited contact. There are times when I don’t know what day it is and I’m not alone in that. I trust this humble blog post finds each of you well, safe, and with what you need to continue on with this journey: that you are able to ask for what you need and offer what you can.

What are more gifts of uncertainty?

I’ll start by acknowledging the immense amount of suffering in our world right now. Unearthing gifts in times of trouble is meant to take us deeper into our interconnectedness with all life, our vulnerability, and courage. It is not meant as a jolly way of avoiding anything. Quite the opposite.

Recognizing the Immensity of Time

This is an important gift Joanna Macy names: We are a vital part of an older earth system. We go way back. Life on earth has waxed and waned over millions of years. Which points to the fact that we don’t really know whether we are in a conversation with our next disappearance or on the verge of a whole new way of being.

We. Don’t. Know. And we are creatures that want to know.

What we do know is our ancestors made it. Yours and mine. If they hadn’t I’d not be here writing this nor would you be there reading. At least a few “someones” survived. Time is immense. It stretches further forward and back than our soundbite driven world of instant gratification.

A Need For Simplicity & Discernment

This gift of uncertainty helps us sort out what is ours to do? Again, here Joanna Macy’s wisdom shines through: She names three general areas where we can each find a role:

On the frontlines: This includes the doctors, nurses, health care workers of all stripes, and those who are actively engaged in changes to our educational, health care, and financial systems. (especially here in the USA)

Those who support the people on the frontlines: therapists, healers, educators, the non profits, the volunteers, etc.

Those who attend to the systems necessary for holding the transitions: people engaged in creating barter systems, transitional local economies, sharing food or other resources, etc.

There is no role that is too small. There’s a place for anyone who wants to help. I will add here my own perspective that we are in a much larger transition than most of us can imagine. Pacing ourselves is important. Self compassion is key to developing wisdom.

And in closing…

At the root of our angst is the fear of our own demise and those around us. I’ve been having “death dialogues” in my journal. These dialogues bring me clarity. I give death a voice and let it write through me, then I respond, and then death responds:back and forth I go.

It is a somatic practice in that I listen with my whole being. I track my body’s sensations, whisperings, concerns, and joys—those things that live within the heart and soul of each of us. I recommend you give it a try. Go gently. _Allow for what wants to happen, knowing you get to decide your levels of tolerance for this kind of practice.

I express my work in the world in a way that is congruent with how I live: moving at the pace of guidance. I have some offers for you that are percolating and inner wisdom suggests later this year is a better time. And that’s to say again, we may navigating these transitions for quite a while. Reach out if you need support or if you have suggestions for what you’d like to read or hear from me. I am here to be of service to you.

The single greatest gift of uncertainty is how it brings us into the present moment. It reminds us of how both fleeting and beautiful this life is.

Gifts of Uncertainty – Part 2

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Just one month ago, I began to share the gifts of uncertainty as presented by Joanna Macy: whole systems thinker, eco philosopher, spiritual teacher. You can read Part 1, here.

I cannot think of anything more relevant right now than naming the gifts of uncertainty. This perspective is not offered to gloss over challenging times but to recognize what we can learn. Resilience is the potential that uncertainty offers. Resilience is learned. Uncertainty is the sand in the oyster of our wish for things to remain the same and can awaken us to the need for resilience.

Here are two more gifts:

Recognize our solidarity and interdependence with all life

We are not alone. We are a part of one whole living system.

As emotionally mature people we recognize our interdependence, with other humans and all beings with whom we share this earth. We are part of one system. A pandemic reveals our interconnectedness and our mutual need for belonging, safety, and protection. We are knit together in a living system joined by vulnerability and courage. Our lives are intimately entwined.

Befriend our pain physical or psychic & the mystery that it holds

One of my first spiritual teachers, Stephen Levine, made a clear distinction between healing and curing: we can be cured of a disease and not be healed of our pain. And we can come to the end of our lives, healed.

We could find a cure for COVID-19 and not glean the teachings of these times. We could cure the disease but miss the metamorphosis that it offers. To befriend pain and confusion is the work of “the healing we took birth for” as he phrased it. That is what is being asked of us. Now.

Our collective resilience depends upon our personal resilience; our personal capacity to withstand higher levels of uncertainty. This requires befriending ourselves and our circumstances, on behalf of the well being of all.

Building Resilience

Resilience grows when we gently increase our capacity for uncertainty. We grow our resilience incrementally. This gradual process itself is an antidote to panic. When we attend to how we do what we do, we nourish the parasympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic nervous system returns us to calm.

Calm is important right now: not passivity, but calm.

One of the easiest ways to engage in nourishing ourselves is to attend to body sensation. Fear is a body based experience. When we turn toward those sensations of fear with curiosity, openness, even kindness, there’s a neurological re-set that happens. We begin to include all of our experience. This is the heart of somatic education: trusting body sensation as a resource. Emotional resilience is the result of learning to befriend body sensation. It is a trustworthy practice for many of us.

Gifts of Uncertainty – Part 1

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This New Moon, I draw upon teachings of a beloved mentor, Joanna Macy. She is a scholar, eco-philosopher, and whole systems thinker who brings a breadth and depth of perspective needed now. She nourishes me and my intent is to share the nourishment!

In my work I support people in waking up to what has been silenced, anesthetized, or sanitized in their lived experience. And I support people in awakening to the wisdom that is ever present to guide, repair, and illuminate a path forward.

Our singular and collective body is being savaged. The pain of that insight can be a gateway of fearless communion with the living world. Our pain and our love for this world is the same. As Joanna suggests, we do not need to pathologize our pain, rather it is a measure of our humanity and nobility.

It means we give a damn.

What are some of the gifts of uncertainty?

  1. The present moment is a gift of uncertainty: only in this moment can you feel what you feel and respond accordingly.

  2. A fresh recognition of the power of intention is another gift of uncertainty. In other words we don’t wait until we are “in the mood” to do something. It keeps us on track.

  3. Befriending our pain whether it’s physical or psychic and the mystery that it holds, is another gift of uncertainty.

  4. Recognizing our solidarity and interdependence with all life. We are not alone. This is a gift.

  5. Appreciation for the immensity of time.

  6. A need for simplicity: discernment. What is mine to do?

In this blog post, I’ll take on two of these gifts and leave others to future posts. I am right there in this contemplation along with you and welcome the time it takes to consider the nuance of each gift.

The Gift of the Present Moment

This is self explanatory: only now can we feel what needs to be felt and only in the present moment can we respond. Longing for “the good old days” (which actually never were) or projecting our fears into the future leads to inertia.

A Fresh Recognition of the Power of Intent

What is our motivation for acting or not acting? This is another gift. Too often the power of intent gets tangled up with controlling outcomes. We have no control over outcomes. The complexity of life doesn’t guarantee an outcome. Intention helps us to remain patient. We have no idea how or when our seeds of intention will push their way into the light. We can trust our intention.

In this era of instant communication, it is easy to lose track of the fact that no matter how rapid our technology, life on earth continues to move at the speed of an epoch, not a sound bite. Slowing down, being present, knowing that what we need to know waits to reveal itself in our life, that’s good medicine.

What other gifts of uncertainty come to mind for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Seeing in the Dark

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At the end of a long year, I take solace in and share with you these words from Bill Plotkin:

“In the long winter darkness of the Northern hemisphere, we gather around hearth-fires to share stories of a tumultuous year. The news regarding Earth’s climate and cultural systems is bleak, yet there are also many remarkable and little-known stories of people coming together to tend our precious and heartbroken world.

As mystics, poets, and lovers of the dark know, it is in the dark times that “the eye begins to see.” It is when systems collapse into disequilibrium that new possibilities emerge. For us human creatures, when our certainties are no longer certain, when our egoic identities grow threadbare, we are likely more receptive to the wild gods or strange angels who knock at our doors, bearing summons from the mystery.”

May you find ways to remain open to the mystery & your deepest healing.